Negative Nancy

I’ve been such a bad sport about this whole Obstetrics rotation. Apart from that initial rough first day, it really hasn’t been all that terrible. I got the routine down. I semi-know what’s expected of me. I’ve even gotten to catch some babies. However, despite my willingness to see the good in everything, I dread going into work every single day, whether it’s waking up at 5 am for the day shift or 5 pm for the night shift. I cannot say exactly why I’m miserable, but I am definitely counting down the days…the hours until I am done. The residents I worked with this last week were actually really nice too and I even get weekends off! Nonetheless, five more days. Five, long more days. It’s just not meant to be. 

 

Bad Day

I rarely have bad days at work. Some days are annoying, some are frustrating, and so many of them are long, but rarely will I describe a day as bad unless something drastic happened. And by drastic, I usually equate that to crying. More than half way done with my intern year and I can count on one hand how many times I’ve cried at work, cried at home because of work, or just cried in general.

So of course, 6 hours into my first day on Ob/Gyn, I had to excuse myself to hide in the bathroom to cry. First day on a rotation always suck, no matter what it is. You don’t know the people, the routine, the patients, etc. I was doing ok, a little clueless but I was getting along just fine. One resident asked me to go get consent for a dilatation and evacuation from a mother whose baby died in utero (so heart breaking) which I did despite feeling completely uncomfortable getting a history from a mother who just found out that her baby was dead. Coming back to the doctor’s station, the other resident asked me what I was doing and I told her. Instead of asking why or what, she started yelling at me in front of the nurses, the midwives, and the other resident for consenting the patient when I didn’t know the plan. Though I look innocent and sweet, I’ve got pretty thick skin. I do work in the ED after all. She asked me who told me to do such “a stupid thing” and as the relatively polite person that I am, I was not going to tattle on the first resident, who was standing next to me at that time. I took it like the well-trained intern that I’ve become (or so I think) and I was angry and frustrated, but whatever. From prior experiences, I did not expect Ob/Gyn residents to be very approachable or friendly in the first place. The first resident just stood there and didn’t speak up. Whatever.

As I was sitting there brushing off the whole incident, the girl who yelled at me turned around 5 minutes later and after a string of excuses, apologized for losing her temper. Though most people would appreciate this gesture, I completely lost it and broke down. Not only did I tear up, I did the whole sha-bang with the hiccups, the hyperventilating, etc. It only got worst when one of the midwives tried to cheer me up. In between little sobs, I tried to reassure her that I was ok and that my feelings were not hurt but I’m not so sure she bought my story. I really do feel fine, just silly for letting such a little thing get to me.

Nonetheless, back to work tomorrow. It can only get better from now on, right?

P.S. Very few things gross me out nowadays, but birthing is still on the list. Not pretty.

Tests

After twenty-some odd years of testing, you would think that I would be a pro at taking tests by now, but unfortunately, I still get test jitters. Over time, I have progressively gotten better, going from purposefully staying up all night to study to now purposefully trying to sleep, though not always successful. I had my in-service today, a national test that all Emergency Medicine residents have to take to assess how much we’re learning. It’s not supposed to be a big deal, but the fact that we cannot move on to the next level without taking it makes it kind of a HUGE deal. As practical as I am, I would never go into a test completely unprepared. Unfortunately, as tiring as I have been this year as a whole, I think my preparation was minimal, comparatively speaking. (As some of you may recall, I studied for about 12 hours a day for literally 3.5 weeks straight for step 1 back in med school!.I don’t know I did it!)

Last night, as I turned the lights out at eleven, I gave myself a mental pat on the back. Way to get some rest! I have never gotten a full night of sleep before any test, big or small, for whatever reason. And for those of you who know me, I will sacrifice almost anything for sleep. As I tossed and turned in bed for an hour…then two…then three, I started getting really frustrated that I couldn’t fall asleep, which made me more angry and even more awake. It was a viscous cycle. Somehow, I did manage to fall asleep, some time a little after 3 o’clock. Waking up three hours later to take a 5 hour test followed by a 10 hour shift made today a very long day.

Nonetheless, one test down and many, many to come. I won’t get my score back until July, so for now, I can blissfully go on and pretend that tests don’t matter in real life.

With no tests to worry about tomorrow (only work), I’ve no doubts that sleep will come much easier tonight, not to mention the fact that I’ve been up forever. Sweet dreams.